Frankly, it's intimidating. All my insecurities start buzzing around my head like gnats, and they all sing this kind of refrain:
"You're kinda plain."
"She won't want to hang out with you."
"You won't have anything smart enough to say. She'd rather hang out with more impressive folk."
"She'll take one look at your house and see that three kids and a dog occupy it pretty much ALL THE TIME."
"What if there's spinach stuck in your teeth the entire time she's looking at you?"
I'm just being brutally honest here.
I forget that I have yet to meet a woman who never feels insecure; in fact, admissions of insecurity have sometimes reached my ears from the most surprising of mouths.
But while the gnats hummed softly, this morning I read our selection from the Egermeier's Bible Story Book
with the children. In it, Jesus, anticipating his pending crucifixion, prays, "Father, glorify Your name."And isn't that the crux of the issue right there? Those buzzing gnats find voice because secretly, I hope to glorify my OWN name. I want glory -- admiration, approval, affection -- and I'd like it in spades, please.
What if all I cared about was that my Father's name be glorified, lifted up, admired and approved? What if His was the only smile that mattered? What if I saw people as He sees them, without preference, without undue regard for glamour or resumé? What if I truly accepted His unconditional love? Could I, in the words of a speaker I once heard address these things, "be who I am until I'm different?"
One baby step at a time, I hope to find out one of these days.
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12 comments:
the thing I've learned is that most people aren't thinking anything at all about me when I am with them, but all about themselves and what I might think of them. we are certainly a narcisistic (sp, real word?) society!
Tracee, you are so right. The trouble all stems from being centered on self.
I feel like that often, but in working with students and wanting to faciliate positive self image for their personal growth, I encourage them to "measure themselves by themselves", meaning not in comparison with another. In the words of a brother I once had some fellowship with during the FTTA, the opposite of looking away unto Jesus is to look at ourself...it's one or the other, and there's no middle ground. I appreciate your honesty in this post. May the Lord have a way to make those who truly glorify Him.
<3
i really love this post.
resonate. resonate. resonate. yes, it definitely resonates. it made me cry a little (i cry all the time) and it reminded me of a quote by C.S. Lewis: "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one." Thank you for letting me and others know that we are not the only ones to ever feel this way.
Oh yeah. Enough said.
Absolutely loved this. :)
Very encouraging. (Hey, guys can be insecure too!)
Resonating here, too. :)
Yes, that is, indeed, the crux of the issue.
I stand at your side in sharing these insecurities, Hannah, but also in the knowledge of who HE is in relation to them.
Hugs to you!
It is so encouraging when a beautiful, intelligent, accomplished woman such as yourself lets us in on the knowledge that you have all the same feelings of insecurity that we (the plain folk) do.
:)
Here, here! Great post, from a Queen of Insecurity who wears a black belt....
BTW, I think He's smiling at you right now.
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